So in my offline life I have this little joke about one aspect of my identity. It started innocently enough. I was hanging out with the person, sophi, who was to eventually become one of my partners at the house of another friend of mine. We were talking about stuff in general, I cannot remember what specifically, and I made a comment about how I was never going to grow up.
At the time I was really kind of into age play with my Leather family Daddy. I played as a 13 year old and I was sophi’s big sister. For me, my age play experience was critical to help me integrate aspects of my transition and trans identity. I had hardly even had a chance to actually be a 13 year old, let alone a 13 year old girl. I will admit that my 13 year old self was heavily influenced by such things as Nabokov’s infamous novel and a bit by the character Baby Firefly from Rob Zombie’s films. So maybe not the most accurate depiction of a 13 year old. But I was also exploring aspects of my own sexuality and developing a comfort with my own consensual sadism as well. It was all a very tumultuous time.
Anyway, so I am having this conversation about how I am not going to “grow up.” Which for me I guess entails feeling as though I will always continue to have fun, be silly, play games, and just overall striving to look at life with this sense of wonder and amazement. And I also had some friends, mostly trans girls, that I was helping to retain that same sense of child. So I made this statement that I’m never going to grow up and I have my girls I am helping to not grow up as well.
And then I made the joke that I am Patricia Pan and they were my Lost Girls. The concept stuck, and since them I have become the sort of matriarch of a quasi-house I call the Lost Girls. And watching after them, helping them is something I enjoy and is meaningful for me.
And there are times when it gets overwhelming and tiring. There are times when I just want to let go and be taken away by the waves of the world. To sort of wander the landscape having adventures and letting my curiosity get the better of me.
I have been exploring second Life as a means to do this. Deep down I have control issues. It is hard for me to let go, trust and give up control. I’ve had to look after myself in a lot of ways through my lifetime. And I have had too many instances where I wanted to let go, only to find myself disappointed.
Soon after I came to Second Life, I realized that I could use it as a place to explore those dynamics, and see where it took me. I joke that my persona in Second Life is more that of Alice. It is a place for me to wander through Wonderland and through the Looking Glass of my psyche. It is a way for me to explore my shadow and delve into what is really in there. It is a way for me to somewhat safely explore risk and letting go in ways I have not been ready to do in the offline world in a long time. It is a place where I can take risks and not worry about the long term physical, mental and emotional effects of violence.
Second Life is my Alice time.
Which is why it is so important for me to define the need for that boundary. It is very easy for me to slip into Patricia space. I am a caretaker at heart. I see souls in need and want and I have a desire to help. But that does not feed my need. My need to lose myself and to let go at to take myself into scary, dangerous places. Not that I will ever totally cut off my Patricia self. That would be as harmful to me as too much. It is just that here it is a place for me to tone it down.
So if I tell you I am slipping too much into Patricia and I need my Alice space, please respect that. It is not a judgment on you or whether I value what we have. It is just that this is a for me to let go and follow the path, rather than feel I must carve it out.
And this is why I cannot and do not wish to take on a caretaking role in Second Life. I take care of so many people in my offline life that I need time to simply take care of myself.
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