O + S - Lonely Ghosts

Time Zone Isolation

There is a strange form of isolation I experience in Second Life, and that is isolation through time zone.

I find sometimes many of the places I like to visit in SL are empty.  Yet I know there are active communities in those areas.  The Doll Detention Center, HBC, Kelly Park, Latexia, Rubber Room, Sin-Labs... When I go there, I often find myself wandering around sort of alone, with few or no people to interact with.

And I realize that a lot of it has to do with my time zone (Mountain or GMT -7) and the times I am able to be on (evenings).

It really became exacerbated during my Potential time for the LatexDolls (Yes, I did end up joining, and as of this writing I am now awaiting a time to arrange my ceremony).  Trying to arrange my final Lesson was exceedingly difficult because there are never any teachers who were qualified to teach Lesson 6 on the same times I were on.  This is in large part due to the fact that I think the majority of the Dolls reside in European time zones – particularly most of the MDolls.  By the time I am able to log in most evenings, it is well past midnight in those areas.

Even during my times at the Racks – which were both generally uneventful and somehow notoriously addicting – I frequently considered myself fortunate if there was simply another Doll or Potential or two there I could have a little bit of a conversation with.  And since my mentor pretty much dropped off the face of the map about half way through my Potential period

And speaking of my ceremony, I think just about all the Priestess Dolls are in Europe as well.  So that has be a little concerned about timing.  I guess I am just being neurotic now.

Don’t get me wrong.  There are a number of people I have had the good fortune to meet and become friends (and lovers) with even with this challenge.

It’s just... I feel like I am always missing something when I come in.  That I am always just a little too for a party that just ended.  I often wonder how dynamic will end up playing out over the next few months.  Will the handful of Dolls who are on the same times I am be able to make a difference in my involvement?  Or will just the continued time zone isolation just drive me away.

Still alive

Yes, I am still alive and roaming Second Life.  Apologies that I have not kept up with this blog.  School, a desire to isolate and not deal with anything, and a desire for hard core escapism has really done a number on me.

A fair amount has happened to me on Second Life over the past three months.

Really?  Has it really been three months?  I am only 107 days old or so.  Did I really write so much in such a short period of time here?

I wonder if I still have readers.  I wonder if I ever had readers.

So in my offline life, I am back in classes as of today.  This means I will likely be slowing down my posting here soon.

This semester is it is all about gender.  And death.  And a little bit of sex.  What a wonderful combination.  Gender and Society, Gender and Communication, Gender in Popular Culture, Death and the After Life and Queer Sexualities.  I wonder how many of my gender oriented classes will piss me off at some point this semester?  Being to token out, queer, sometimes femme sometimes butch, and generally always activist trans girl is sometimes a little... grrr...  Especially when I run into people who are so wrapped up in their genetic and genital essentialism.

I will be graduating at the end of this semester – it’s about time.  I’ll likely take a year off from school while I consider my grad school options.

The Creating Change Conference is coming up in about two weeks – in the lovely Minneapolis, Minnesota, brrrr.  During that time I will be totally off line, so do not expect any updates here from about February 2nd until at least the 7th or 8th.  Nor will I be on Second Life, of course.  I will, however, be visiting Bondage-A-Go-Go at Ground Zero. Neener-neeener-neener!

Been listening to The Dresden Dolls a bit lately.  And that has been making me think about pulling out some of my Riot Grrrl and various other girl punk music again.  I love all sort of girl band music, though when it comes to Riot Grrr, my favorite remains Sleater-Kinney.

Though it gets weird for me sometimes.  But I am not sure I want to talk about it right now.  I know this is post was really not unrelated to Second Life stuff.  Just a little glimpse into my life outside Second Life.

Analyzing Second Life, Part 1 of ???

You know, when I first started into Second Life, I would have never have expected to engage in psychological or sociological analysis of its environment.  But a couple of recent comments, as well as a few personal experiences have really inspired me to do so.

I wanted to reproduce my replies here, in case I should, someday, get future readership.

I mean, my thoughts on Second Life in terms of the psychological framework go further than this.  I have begun to see it as a sort of magnifying lens of what is in our individual and collective psyches.  That is it not an escape from who or what you are, but an amplification of it.  But that is a whole other post for another day.

Today I wanted to share this:

People hate noobs/Second Life as High School/Linden Corporate Environment

Fair enough.  The "We don't care about our first time visitors who walk through our door" is a business model.  It is not the one I would generally recommend, because it does not do well to combat general attrition.  But it is still a model.

But hey, at least there will be less lag... maybe?

And yes, Second Life is a lot like high school. It is, essentially, a popularity contest after all.  I do not see the people who create great things celebrated as much as those who are just very good at social dynamics.  And there is a great article that illustrates some of the social dynamics at play in the high school popularity and why nerds are hated.  The only difference is that Second Life that people are not actively persecuted – at least, not as far as I have seen yet.  And they are not required to be there.

And so they take the advice given to them “If you don’t like it, then leave,” and apply it.  There are many, many locations – both on and offline – which are new player and new visitor friendly.  After all, high school is not really an appropriate model for doing things once a person is, in fact, out of high school.

In addition, being a freshman in college, for instance, is a vastly different world then being a freshman in high school.  In college, you tend to have collections of organizations going out of their way to recruit new membership.  Rush week, for instance, is all about getting people involved in Fraternities and Sororities.  I suppose we could have vampires running around and biting people as a recruitment tool since that would definitely get people involved in something at least, but... oh... oh yes, we don’t like that sort of behavior in Second Life.

Thus you are stuck with an environment in which the only thing left – as [was] pointed out in another comment – is sex, dancing and shopping.

What [was] point[ed] out about Linden is very reveling.  The corporate environment has a powerful shaping impact on customer relations.  And that is what we are, customers.  But from the descriptions I’ve gotten ... it sounds as though we are not seen as customers or clients, but as bothers, nuisance and hassles.  It makes me wonder why Linden even continues to keep Second Life operating at all, if that is the case.

Life has no goals, why should Second Life?

Actually, I disagree with the sentiment that life does not have built in goals.  Offline life does have a lot of goals inherent in it.  We are not dumped into this world without anything to strive for.  It is just that they change, evolve and grow over time.  We can pursue them or not as our desires or wiring or conditioning – depending which personality model or models you subscribe to - dictate.

And our goals are shaped and modified by the complexity of our experiences and understandings of the world.

When we first come into this world, our goals are, for the most part, to eat, to sleep, to poop and to cry – not always necessarily in that order.  As we get older, our goals are generally dictated to us by our parents and then society at large.  Factors such as how we are raised, physical or developmental issues, or other life events and development go into the structure by which we view the expected goals placed upon us.  Are we inspired to be “good kids” and work to get good grades?  Do we rebel and choose to strike our own course of action?  Do we run into difficulties and setbacks which leave us disenchanted and apathetic?

From there, those experiences go on to shape our more “adult” oriented goals – procuring food, shelter, sex, security, family, self-esteem, creativity and so forth.  Maslow's hierarchy of needs is pretty much the accepted heuristic model for how we, as human beings, prioritize our activities, and essentially our goals.

So, where does that leave us in terms of Second Live?

Well, other than sex, most of the Physiological Needs are taken care of.  And even then, the sex that occurs in Second Life is more of the Love and Belonging type sex rather than the physiological type.  Safety is not really an issue, except the financial – thus my own struggle and stress with wanting to find Second Life employment.  I don’t want free stuff.  I don’t want handouts.  I want to earn my stuff.

So, in Second Life, that leaves Love and Belonging, Esteem and Self-Actualization.  Most people in this world have an offline life dominated by pursuit of the first three needs – Physiological, Safety, and Love and Belonging.  If they have not had the time or opportunity to develop the skills needed to develop the higher to, what is going to happen when we drop them in a world where the base two no longer matter?  They are going to focus on the one they know how to do.  Thus, the dancing, the shopping and the sex.  All of that is middle tier stuff.

Even the most die-hard Humanist or Existentialist psychologist will agree that our early life experiences matter.  They do shape how we will go on to interact with life and the world.  As well as how we will define and pursue our goals.  In Second Life, our first days, our first couple of weeks, our first month or two is our developmental, early life experience.  How we are taught to behave then will continue to play out over and over in the course of our future interactions on Second Life.  If the “powers that be” or the “parental units” or the “social dictates” or the whatever the heck there is out there do not provide any sort of structure, the vast majority of people either run amok or stick with the contained, safe boxes they are used to in the offline world.

And let us talk about that running amok for a moment.

Griefers.  I had an interesting conversation with someone about them.  My take on Griefers is that, for the most part, they are people who are otherwise bored and have not found ways to otherwise get attention or interaction.  Ignore a child, or even an adult, long enough and they will act up.  Particularly if it is an area with little to no structure.  If they then act up and get attention, even “negative attention,” will encourage them to engage in that behavior again.  Getting someone to complain or be upset about inappropriate behavior is at least more entertaining than starting around watching a bunch of silent mannequins who are off in their own special, private worlds.

So, you want me as an owner?

It was inevitable.  I’ve not even been in Second Life three weeks and I already have a flock of submissive around me who all want me to list me as owners on their collars.  Most of them female identified in the game.  More than a few I suspect Assigned Male at Birth (AMAB).  Thought there might  be a few cis woman and male (trans and cis) in there as well.  Or at least, I would be surprised if I picked up a few at some point.

It just sort of happens.  I am most often the most willful, compassionate and dominant personality in a space.  I cannot help it.  I could make up some woogy woogy excuse of having been Companion to my Priest, Harem Den Mother and Counselor/Concubine leader for so many lives.  Sometimes I simply explain that I am an Alpha Slave type where most are betas.  But whatever it is, I like to just do things and I tend to collect people up in my wake.

So to that end, I felt I should write up a little something about this to give out those who would so readily add me as one of their owners on their collar.

I am not you Mistress

First, I am not your Mistress.  Please do not call me that.  Sable is fine.  As is Miss or Ms.  Ma’am is sort of tolerable, but that one feels very reserved for my Baby Girl.  And Sis is okay, but not Big Sis or Big Sister.  Those are reserved for my little sister.  I would say Sister is good, but since I am considering joining the LatexDoll Sisterhood, I will say no, because that might cause confusion.  Madame is only tolerable from the LatexDoll Sisterhood, because that form of address is part of their strictures.

I have also entertained the idea of Lady Twilight or Ms Twilight, but I think I will reserve those for if I ever become a professional dominatrix.

So in short, you can call me Sable, Miss, Ms, or sis.  Everything else is out and will likely start to annoy me.

And I am not your Mom! *punches you hard in the arm*

I am not your Mistress

Really.  I may like you, cherish you and adore you.  But there is no way I can be your long term owner.  I am here fulfilling a role to help take a little of that hunger and edge off.  I cannot sustain you long term.

You will continue to search for a more permanent, long term owner.

I am submissive

And what I do is a form of submission.

Deep down I am a deeply submissive individual.  I need it.  I crave it.  Probably as much as you do.  That is how come I can read you and understand you so well.  I know where you are at and where you are coming from.

But because I am a submissive myself, fulfilling those needs for me must come first.  If I cannot get them meet, than I become cranky, surly and snappish.

I take this stuff very seriously

While I may not always have the time, and while you may freely leave at any time, please give it some very deep consideration before adding me as an owner.  I take the role very responsibly.  If there is a rough spot, it will be worked through.  So be mindful before asking me become one of your owners.  And please don’t just add or drop me on a whim.

I will not provide structure

I am very fluid in what I do and I believe strongly personal responsibility and dedication.  I will not provide you with structure, but I can provide you with some tools by which you can make structure for yourself.

You are not the only one

All those feelings that have risen up in you since out meeting?  You are not the only one to have experienced them.  Sun sign, I am a Libra, and we tend to have a long string of lovers and adorers

Or at least we can if we wanted.

And there is a reason I do not date Scorpios.  I cannot handle the entourage. They bring with them on dates.  Even if they are not physically present, they are still there in some level.

My Moon, Mercury and Venus – that is my emotional, communication and love style – are all Scorpio.  I have an entourage.  It is highly doubtful we will ever have true one-on-one time.

If you are okay with that, fine.  Please try to meet with the others around me.  In a way, they will be your strongest sources of support.

Mercurial in my attentions

There will be times when where one moment it is all about you.  Where you will be the center of my world.  And then the next moment I will be onto someone or something else.

No topping from the bottom

While I do appreciate getting to understand your internal terrain, topping from the bottom – making those “helpful” suggestions are right out.  I might have another plan.  I might be in the middle of something.  I might be enjoying my conversation I am having with the person I am with and running off some place would interrupt that.

That said, if you are in need of something, let me know.  Directly.  Or ask.

I can understand and appreciate “Sable, I really need to be locked down.  It would help me feel more secure right now,” much better than “Maybe you might like to...?”  One gives me better understanding of your core needs.  The other just feels manipulative.

I would strongly recommend you keep a journal.  For yourself, primarily.  But there may be times when there is something in it you will need to share.

Oh, and you get to ask, or at least tell me about your needs and mental state in public chat.  This as much for you and for you to help teach other as it is for me.  However, if the public channel is very busy, an exception may be made.

I have a lot of projects

The Universe likes to keep me pretty busy both online and offline.   Not just school.  And not just my temple idea.  But also things I am doing for and with people in a lot of ways.

And sometimes I simply need a break from everything and everyone.

Because of that there may be times when I disappear for days or even weeks at a time.  I will be back, but it might be away.  Remember those others I told you is your support network?  Make use of them.

And a lot of dreams

I like to wander and explore.  Sometimes I like to try out wild, new things.  And a lot of times I like being alone.  I am an introvert, and so sometimes I just need to go off to strange places by myself.

In terms of Second Life, there are a lot of edgy places I need to go.  And having to take care of a submissive or group of submissives all the time sort of gets in the way of all that.

You will change around me

Now and forever, I dedicate myself to change.

In myself and the world:

I will sunder the barriers that lead to stagnation.

I will let go of things that have outlived their use.

I will live as a catalyst, allowing change to flow in me, through me.

And I will embrace this path in heart, mind, and soul.

This is more than just a saying or a mantra or devotional to me.  It really is an embodiment of what I am.  I am a catalyst.  I transform people around me.  In time, you will not be the same person you are today.  Not because I will make you a different person, but because I will bring out something that is already there in you.  And you will end up changing yourself.

And I will get into your head

I will learn your buttons.  I will push them.  It is part of what I do.

I like to go scary places

And the buttons I like to push most are those edgy buttons.  I do some heavy mind stuff.  Some of it will be scary, because I like to go to scary places.

But you will be better, a little bit stronger, a little bite more You manifest, than when I found you.

Being a dominant is a lot of work

It really is.  Especially when you have to manage multiple people who would give their submission to you.

Most professional dominants in the world outside Second Life charge anywhere from $60 to $180 an hour US for online chat sessions.  I’ve notices the dominants here charge far, far less.  Actually, I’ve noticed that the second life sex workers in general are making far less than they would if they were working elsewhere doing text or phone work.  And most of them are making less than $5 an hour US.

Think about that for a moment.

The excuse it that this is supposed to be a game, so don’t expect the same level of devotion or dedication you would get if you were actually paying a dominatrix or otherwise supporting one in other environments.

Along with that, if I am topping you, focusing my attention on your desires and needs, that cuts into my time to earn a living in Second Life.  It coopts my time to job hunt, put in applications, put together work outfits, practice with scripting and AOs. interview, be focused on my job, write up responses and replies, and simply serve customers.

It also take me away from other fun things.  Maybe I am wanting to go learn how to pilot a mech or learn combat or join in with the other vampires.  Or, oh my god, go shopping – if I happen to have cash.  Or simply visit and socialize.

Or writing pieces like this.

I am not saying or asking or demand you pay me.  I am simply asking you to take all that into consideration ion our interactions – not just me, but for any dominant, master or mistress you may interact with, online or off.  Take all this into consideration and act accordingly.

You will have a sisterhood

I have a set up a group which I will invite you to.  It will be made up of others who, like yourself, had requested to have me as one of their owners – both past and present.  Get to know your sisters.  Talk and converse.  Show each other kindness and support.

Just as I do not use Priest, Master or Sir in a gendered way, Sisterhood is not so much about a gender as it is about role and relation to one another.

You will give back

In some way you will give back to the greater community.  Perhaps you are already doing that now.  That is good.  If not, you will find a way.  The way in which you give back up to you, but it is important to me.

And I am crazy

I have some crazy woogy woogy spiritual beliefs.  I hold them very closely and dearly.  And part of that crazy spiritual woogy woogy is about crazy spiritual woogy woogy going on around.  And I sort of both half believe and half not believe in all of it.

You’ll have to put up with that.

And you may even get sucked into it.

Why should you listen to me

You know, I really do not want to come off as a curmudgeon-y, disgruntled new Second Life player out to piss on everything the established players hold dear.  But sometimes I feel that way.

I think it because I am facing a this frustrating cultural attitude from the long term, established players* of Second Life – that the elders all know best, and that the observations and input from newer players is to be dismissed or glossed over.

So, people might well wonder, who the heck am I?  Why should you listen to me?  My avatar is all of three weeks old at this point and there is so much to learn.  I should just be patient.  And maybe stick to the new player areas.

So why should you listen to me?  I am the new Second Life player.  I am a representative of the forces at play at the current internet.  I am the player who comes from the world of MMORPGs such as World of Warcraft and Eve Online.  I come from the realms of Facebook and LiveJournal and the Google suite of applications.  I am your console gamer and your casual gamer.  I am your activist and visionary looking to play with something wonderful and make something new.  I represent the new internet user who is not a technogeek or nerd and does not want to have to cob together my system by hand just to make it work.

In short, I am the current market.  I am the gamer market Second Life must appeal to if it wishes to survive and prosper.

Otherwise we will determine that Second Life is just not worth it and go away.

Want proof?  I’ve had three lovers who I am involved with in offline relationships who have tried Second Life.  They are gamers.  They have tried it at different periods of time.  And they have gone away.

I have other lovers and connections who won’t even pick up Second Life.  That would rather play Minecraft.

“Oh,” I am told, “but Second Life is not a game.  It is a chat medium with ‘extras.’”

Look, if I just wanted to chat, even role play chat, I would stick with the free Skype, IRC, or chat rooms on the sites I am interested in.  Or maybe hit up the new group chat feature in Facebook.

If I simply wanted music, I would listen to Pandora or some other internet radio station.

If I wanted to check out art work featuring furries, dickgirls, bondage or some combination of the three, I would stick with deviantArt.

If I just wanted to play dressup in conjunction with chat and casual gaming, I could go play Gaia.

If that is all Second Life has to offer, and if it is only attempting to appeal to one or two of those aspects, there are so many other compelling, lag-free areas on the internet.  And i could even run them all at the same time.

If Second Life does not adapt to the concept that it must appeal and appeal to the gaming market if it wishes to be all the things it could be and strives to be, it will continue to become more and more irrelevant.

Another thing I get told is to just be patient.  That id I just wait long enough, than I will be able to interact in all the fun in groovy ways I am interested in.

“That’s great,” the new player says. “I’ll be over here in these other fun, interesting, compelling MMORPGs which get me involved in stuff right away while I let my 30 or 60 day timer in Second Life run down...”

tick tick tick

Six months later, and an investment of 90 dollars or so in someone else’s game world...

“Oh wait, didn’t I have an account back in Second Life once?”

Be beyond that, why else should you listen to me?  Why would my observations even meaningful.  And that is because I am a long term gamer and internet geek.  I am not some Johnny come lately to gaming and the internet.

I have been a gamer since the 1980s as both a player and game master.  I have been involved with LARP since the Mind’s Eye Theater stuff hit the market in the early 1990s.  I have played an assorting array simple, complex, diced and dice-less games.  I picked up Magic: the Gathering when I first came out and have cards from that first year that some players today would sell their first born for.  I play board games and card games, and I am notably vicious in Settlers of Catan.

I am a console gamer.  My first system was an Intellivision (Intellivision on the DS?  That rocks!) and since that time I have either owned or lived in households with just about every major system that has hit the market in the past 20 years.  I play a wide range of games, including platformers, first and third person shooters, puzzlers, 4X games, RTS games, and both Japanese and Western Role playing games.  The only reason I don’t have a review blog a la The Escapist’s Zero Punctuation is because I am lazy.

Oh, and speaking of Punctuation, if you want to know how to make Second Life fun again, start there.

I have played internet gaming since the days of MageWar and Shadowmere in the late 1990s (and holy shit, they are still around?).  I’ve played World of Warcraft and Eve Online.  I had a very brief period where I was able to check out MUDs in the early 1990s, but never got a chance to play with a MUSH.  Well, that is until I came to Second Life anyway.

But I am also more than a gamer geek.  I am also an internet geek from ages back.  Sure, I was never on a BBS, but I was on Compuserve and AOL back when it was a pay per minute experience.  I have played around on Usenet and if I search hard enough, I might still be able to find some of my old posts out there.  I played around in and role played in AOL chats.  I’ve been on IRC and have even moderated a few channels in my day.  I have seen the rise of blogs and Facebook and Twitter as well as the rise and fall of MySpace.  I am occasionally active on a few forums out there and participated on the Google Wave when that was active.

So I am not a Luddite.  I understand UIs and I will gush over a well-designed one.  Particularly when it follows what becoming almost industry standards for UIs.

Offline, I am a student and activist.  I am study both psychology – so I have an understanding of the ways we collect and process information – and public relations – so I understand the ebb and flow of working with the people who make an organization successful.

And I am involved in the Leather community and have been in the BDSM scene for over a decade and a half.  So I understand that people should not listen to a person just because they say so.  And that experience and knowledge needs to be demonstrated.

Oh, and I am articulate.  Obviously.

That is part of who I am.  There is more to me, such as aspects of my spirituality.  But that is where I am coming from as a new player talking about my experiences in Second Life.

And you can listen to me or not.  The choice is yours.

* And by long term and established, I mean those players whose avatar age is between nine months to four years old.  I would like to point out that I don’t think I have meet any players whose avatars are older than four years old at this point.  A concept which is sort of telling about the long term retention of Second Life.  I know people who have been and continue to play WoW since its creation.

Unemployed in Second Life Land

Being a new player in Second Life sometimes royally sucks.  I mean besides the learning curve like a sheer wall for the UI, the vast beautifully designed but chillingly empty spaces, the inability to really connect with people standing around random places conversing in their own IM clouds or in their own cliquish role play, the lack of anything but the most rudimentary tutorials, the lack of general information and support from anyone but the most kind and generous souls (Dolls, have mentioned I love you today?), or being saddled with UIs that don’t work fully (I still cannot figure out of how to get full mouse-look functionality using RLV2.x, and it seems like no one else knows as well) or are ugly and clunky to use (don’t care how much everyone gushes over Phoenix, I don’t like it).

No, the suckiness I am complaining right now is... if you are new, you can’t get a job.

Face it, you need Linden in second life.  I do not have the skills nor the patience to learn Second Life’s item creation process.  I only just finally got around to experimenting with creating a tattoo (which amazingly enough lead me to understand how the hell one does the basic designs for clothing in general).  It was time consuming.  And while I felt a little sense of accomplishment over my completed project, I still prefer social interaction over photoshop interaction.  And part of the work I did was very personal, not something I would want to sell.  Even if I knew how to in the first place.

No, there just not a lot of work for avatars under 60 days old.  And absolutely nothing for those under 30 days.  And when it comes to immersive role play environments that I personally would be into, they just about all want an avatar to be at least 60 days old.

Look, I can understand that for most cases.  First time players have a lot to get used to.  This particularly true if they have not had a lot of experience with chat based, fluid role play.  Some of us get it, and other than the challenges of learning to apply our skills in a new interface – something that would actually be helped by having people interested in actually being involved with new players – we do have the ability to hit the ground running at a faster pace than we might otherwise be given credit for.

I don’t know how many times I have gotten comments about having been very busy in my first couple of weeks.  Or how many time I have been asked if my avatar was actually an alt. Heck, within a few days of playing SL, I had notecards with my role play information and my limits ready to hand out.  I had two alternate viewers installed.  I had started setting myself up with restrained functionality items and was experimenting with how those all work and that was mostly self-taught.  And even though I sighed up as a house slave which supposedly promised training, I still ended up having to teach myself how to access my collar, check and adjust settings and the like.  Mostly out of desperation to stave off the boredom of being a slave being left to her own devices.

I mean, what else am I supposed to do this point?  Shop for stuff I can't afford?  Wander around aimlessly either forcing my way into conversations or hoping someone will engage me?  Pester people to please, please, please dom me or sex me or give me free stuff?  Grief?

Sadly the anti-noob attitude leaves this experienced role player feeling cold, empty, bored and ignored.  I feel like a Bane wandering the sets of Second Life waiting to serve out my time so I can join the rest of society.  Except the only crime I guilty of is my avatar being too young.

Yeah, I am already familiar with your Eudeamon mythology.

It is a no wonder I hear about people just sort of dropping out and only intermittently returning.  By the time you can actually do anything, you’re already burned out from a mix of boredom and loneliness.  At least in WoW, Eve or any other MMORPG, I don't have to put up with extremes of lag, I am given a sens of some things to do from the start and I start building up income and rewards right away.

Latex vs. latex

It’s been a few days since I’ve written in this blog.  I had hoped to be more consistent.  I mean I have and ever growing list of topics I would like discuss in this blog, and most of them are not as heavy and deep as the Trans Feminism topic.  But life and the universe have a way of conspiring against even some of the most well intentioned plans and ideas.

Not that it is a bad thing.  I’ve actually been putting in the foundational work for a long term project I hope to eventually realize in Second Life.  But I will talk about that at some later date.

Today I want to talk about Latex with a capitol L.

If you have checked out my profile, you may have noticed that I list Leather as one of my interests.  The capitalization it, when I am so careful about the appropriate capitalization of other words, is no accident.



Leather Pride

 

Leather Girl Pride



To me, capitol “L” Leather is different from little “l” leather.  Little “l” leather is about the material and, in some cases, a fetish.  Whereas capitol “L” Leather is about so much more to me.  There is an aspect of community, or personal responsibility, of role, of how one presents oneself and how one relates to and treats others.  Being Leather is an important piece of my identity.

A few weeks, or maybe a month or so ago, if you had asked me if I felt there was capitol “L” Latex like there is a capitol “L” Leather, I would have likely have something about there being the possibility, but that I really could not say for certain.  I mean, I had noticed some very interesting things developing in Europe and in some of the larger cities in the United States, but it was not something I had had an opportunity to experience directly.

I mean, Denver is the largest city I have lived in at this point, and there is really not much of a fetish oriented community here.  BDSM and Leather?  Yes.  Goth?  Most definitely.  But not a lot of latex focused events, as far as I had seen.  Plus, latex is expensive, and quality latex that does not simply fall apart after the first or second wearing even more so.  So while I love the look, feel and style of latex, it has just not been something I have had the opportunity to explore as much as I would like to.

But, after participating in a couple of FetLife groups, visiting Latexia, talking with the Sisters there and looking at and contemplating the Obediences, and giving the concept a lot of deep though, I am beginning to believe there very much a Latex community out there, and not just through Second Live.

I brought up this idea of capitol “L” Latex to an offline friend of mine and he totally validated my observation.  It was really cute to see his eyes light up and nod in agreement.  He explained it is still very new and developing, and that in here in Denver there really is not much of a scene associated with it yet.

It is nice to hear really – that there is such a thing, not that the scene here in Denver is so small.  Hearing that yes, there is a capitol “L” Latex helps me feel like I am not totally off my rocker in aspects of exploration.  I am just not sure where I go now with that information.  I ain’t got no skills in the crafting department.  I is still a poor student.  And I still have the same issues with social awkwardness that I ever had.

Rubber Pride



But I did go on a little search for a Latex Pride Flag, much like there is the Leather Pride and Leather Girl Pride flags above.  And this is what I found.

Pretty classy I think.



Update: So so doing a little more research I have hom to find that the Rubber Pride Flag is more geared to Rubber Men.  Which is okay, I guess.  It would have been nice if it had been non-gendered or a gender neutral symbol.  I suppose when I get access to Photoshop again, I might just make a variant Rubber Girl (or Rubber Woman?) Pride flag.  I am thinking of replacing the red with pink and otherwise keeping the meaning and symbology and meanings the same.

Let Me Reiterate This

Second Life is a role playing game environment.  It is an incredibly powerful and immersive environment, but still a game, none the less.  In it, we can very deeply and compellingly explore elements of our unconscious, shadow, younger self – call it what you will, and the archetypes contained therein.

Any resemblance to persons living or dead, to places existing or gone, or conversations current or historic are purely coincidental.

Trans Feminism

This is a long post.  It is a powerful post.  Please bear with me and go through to the end.  There will be some good resources there.

Originally when I came into Second Life, it was my intent to leave much of my activism at the door.  SL was to be a place where I could let go of concerns over language and attitudes and move into a place where I could simply be.

However, Second Life does not exist apart from the offline world.  And many of the United States cultural beliefs and attitudes about gender and sex still permeate the environment.  In fact almost hyper represented in the worlds of Second Life.  And deep down, at my core, I am still an activist.  And I cannot, in good conscience, not advocate.  So here I am, now 6:00 AM, writing this piece.

This post is, in part, dedicated to a very wonderful MistressDoll who has expressed an honest desire to learn.  And I will do my best to teach if she, and the other Dolls, will do their best to have patience and listen.

For me, when I am asked to help someone understand what “trans” it is a huge and complicated subject.  Far more than the Discovery channel documentaries or talk show sensationalism or terrible, horrible jokes on Letterman.

And I have to start with where I am at.

Trans Feminism (regardless of how other people write it, I still put in the space) is a school of feminist thought which seeks to meld trans and feminist discourses and look at the impact of cissexist* and cisgenderist* attitudes, actions and language in the lives, primarily of trans people

Trans Feminism is really the 301 level discourse when it comes to understanding trans people.

Trans** Education 101 would be the “transgender and transsexual people exist and there is an honest to goodness need for them to transition, least they die – physically, emotional and/or spiritually.”  It is that piece that points to intersexual people – people born with either ambiguous genitalia and/or ambiguous sexual chromosomes – and the repeated failed attempts by modern western medicine to enforce this concept of an artificial gender binary system by surgically altering the healthy tissue of infants, as proof that gender does not exist solely as an extension of one’s natal genitalia.

Trans 201 is the piece where one starts to learn that our modern concepts of gender and sex are purely culturally defined.  It is where one learns that other cultures, both modern and historic, have had vender variant people.  And each of those cultures handled the topic in different ways.

Some cultures subsumed trans people directly into the gender which best matched how they chose to interact with the social order.  A child who played games and acted and dressed as a girl was accepted as a girl.  A child to dressed and acted as a boy, was simply adopted into the boy’s traditions.  In those cultures, the person’s genitalia never relevant.  They married and interacted with the rest of society just like any other member of their role.

In other cultures, gender variant people were subsumed in an alternative gender.  There, there were duties and expectations relevant to that role.  Often the role is perceived as touched by divine forces in some manner, though they are sometimes treated as lower class citizens in some cultues.

So, in Trans 201, you learn that this modern invention and interpretation of a gender binary of chromosomes = sex = gender is just that – a modern cultural invention, and one that is barely even just 100 years old or so.

So, Trans Feminism is sort of build on all of that.  And one thing that you should know is that once a person, particularly a trans person has engaged in trans feminism, it is very hard to go back.  It becomes very challenging to do the 101 or even 201 work anymore.  It is almost painfully taxing.  This is in part because we tend to be acutely aware of how the cultural attitudes and discourse we have been forcibly indoctrinated with.

We can sometimes be very angry.  This is because deep down, many of us are very hurt.  We have gotten to a point where we are very aware of how culture has non-consensually shaped our lives and stripped away or twisted elements of our identity we barely had a chance meet or know as children.  And we are acutely aware of how our systematic attitudes about sex and gender continue at act as an ongoing force to “keep us in line,” as it were.

I say all this, because, while I can talk about trans feminism, I cannot do all the education.  There are some amazing philosophers and writers out there who have done amazing work.  And some of them have done so much better than I ever could hope to do.  And rather than reproduce all that here, I can provide you with links to those resources.

And I also wanted you to be aware that some of them can be very hurt and very angry.  And it is not at you or any other person as a human being, but at our damaged system as a whole.  I say this because, if you are a cis person and you go into reading some of these topics, and you are a person with a very sensitive and kind heart, you may come away from some of these encounters crying and devastated.  You may come away feeling you are one of the worst people on the planet for some piece of gender enforcement you did in the past or propagate currently.  That is okay.  It is the same experience that a white person might get when entering people of color (PoC) space.  Or an able-bodied person entering a space looking at issues related to disability.

I also say all this so that perhaps you will find it in your heart to have patience with me, and other trans people, when we may say something snappish, such as “trans is an adjective, not a noun,” “put the goddamn space in,” or “intent, it’s fucking magic!” We sometimes resort to that because we are so frequently asked to be educators and do all the Tran 101 work when really we just want to say “here, let me Google that for you.”

But you are still loved and adored.  Just realize there is a pain and hardness in our hearts which comes from necessity.

So, Trans Feminism resources.

Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity by Julia Serano is one of the early resources for trans feminist thought.  In her book, Serano discusses the dynamics of traditional sexism – the idea that males and masculinity are better than females and femininity, oppositional sexism – the idea that the traits men and woman share only operate on opposing axes, and how those play out in the lives of transsexual women.  She discusses the term cisgender and talks about the teasing apart of transgender and transsexuality.  If there was a trans feminism 101 book, this would be it.  That said, she is not the end all, be all of trans feminist thought, and a lot of good work has occurred since.

Seran’s Live journal blog can be found Whipping Girl.

Taking Up Too Much Space: Cedar’s focus has primarily been about language and how language shapes both our discourse and lives experiences.  She is heavily academic, and yet still very compelling to read.  Even though there have been community issues or concerns surrounding her which are unrelated to her writings, I continue to proudly stand by her, as a friend, as a human being, and as a person who has greatly advanced trans feminist thought.

NoDesignation: Tobi, Tobi, Tobi.  How I adore thee.  As an activist, as a philospher, as a writer, as a speaker, as a pornographer, and as an all-around amazing human being.  And you are frilling hot!  I wish that we could all have the patience you express and the skill to do so.  If there is any activist I strive to be like, it is Tobi.  She also has a blog at Bilerco, but I am pretty sure her NoDesignation will be far more comprehensive.

Debunking Cis: I am just going to lift the description right off the community profile: “This community is a space created for the purposes of challenging cissexism and transphobia in those of us who consider ourselves cisgendered/cissexual allies to transgendered/transsexual people. It is a space for people who stand in solidarity with trans people, as well as for trans people who are comfortable with being in a space where cis folk come to be educated. For cis members, this will require that we scrutinize our actions and motivations, as well as our investment in the systemic inequities that make transphobia and cissexism possible in our society. We believe that until cis people commit in good faith to doing this, widespread social change cannot occur.”

The Transfeminist Manifesto: A PDF discussing some of the history of trans feminism, and some of its principles and goals.

The next few blogs I’ve not actually read much – I can only focus on so much.  However, they get passed around the community a fair amount.

GenderBitch

Questioning Transphobia

I think that is all I can do right now.  This is simply a start.  I hope this helps.  Thank you for bearing with me to the end.

* Ah, our first vocabulary term.  “Cis” is a Latin derived prefix meaning “on the same side as.” It is commonly used in organic chemistry as a way to describe an atom’s relationship to a carbon bond.  Thus the Cis-Trans distinction.  Some really geeky trans people thought it would be a useful, non-judgmental way to distinguish between people who are trans in some way and people who are not.  Prior terms, such as “bio,” “genetic,” and “real” carry with them some rather problematic attitudes with them.  Suffice it to say, regardless of me being a trans woman, I am still a biological organism, with my own set of genetics – which may or may not redispose me to being trans, and I still exist as a “real” body in the “real” world.  Just as a person can be transgender and/or transsexual, so to can a person be cisgender and/or cissexual.

** I would like to note here, that you will see me use the term “trans” rather than “transgender.”  This is because where one time “transgender” was use as the umbrella term to include people who would be considered transgender or transsexual, that was not originally the case.  Transgender was initially developed to talk about similar, yet separate experiences.  For a while it became that umbrella term, but that is now changing, and the communities are starting to see that having the two terms separate allows some very interesting and complex discussions about the intersectionality of the two.  So I use “trans” as the umbrella term to include both transgender and transsexual, as well as terms such as gender queer, androgynous, gender variant, and other terms which my fall within the same realm, but I have not yet been educated about.

Reflections on Latex

Soon after my arrival to the realms of Second Life, I stumbled upon the Latex Dolls.  I cannot remember what exactly I had been looking for, but I came across their web site and decided to check the place out.

I, of course, landed in the main market.  It seemed like another other mall I would eventually encounter in Second Life.  Shops, all that.  I made my way down to the Rack area – an area I would later learn is where the prospectives endure one of their initial trials.  And it was there I had my first meeting with some of the Dolls.  Well actually second, but I had not known that at the time.

They were friendly and helpful, as is their nature.  And one of them told me there was actually much more to their temple.  She suggested I use the transporter – something I had not had any prior experience with – to go visit the rest of the temple.

And so I did.

My first visit to Latexia II and I found myself wandering through the halls of their temple, exploring and getting to know the space there.

It was in the Tower of Wisdom, I think, where I first encountered their Observances.  They were listed on a scrolling plaque on the wall, and the best way to observe them was to kneel on the pad provided.

I. Obedience to Latex

II. Obedience to Bondage

III. Obedience to your Sisters

IV. Obedience to the Knowledge and Experience

V. Obedience to equality

VI. Obedience to the spoken word

VII. Obedience to kindness

VIII. Obedience to helpfulness

Yes, I now know they are listed on the Sisterhood’s website, but I had not read it fully before visiting.

Reading the Obediences, at that point I knew I wanted to be a Sister.  I had sort of been curious about it before, but something about seeing their actual tenants before me helped me to understand what the Sisterhood was about.

A few days later, it was morning.  I was tired from being up so late exploring Second Life and yet I was unable to sleep.  I think there is something about Second Life and its dreamlike quality which sort of feed the need to REM even if it does not actually provide rest for the body.  So I was laying in my bed and my mind drifted to the Obediences and I started contemplating them.

And then a revelation hit me.

The Obediences are more than some ideas for role playing out the role of a Sister.  There was this idea that they actually contained within the latex itself.  Like if one understands the Latex one understand the Obediances themselves.  And if one understand the Obediances than one can understand the Latex.

Sometimes I just feel so full of crazy.

But then I looked at each one in turn and how it could be related to the form and function of latex.

I. Obedience to Latex

That one is sort of obvious.  Latex is what it is.  It is nothing else.  It cannot be.  It is the most important Obedience, because from it all others flow.

II. Obedience to Bondage

Latex constrains us.  It holds us in.  It confines us.  And it gives us boundaries through which we can explore and understand ourselves more fully.

III. Obedience to your Sisters

Latex binds us together.  It is fluid and flexible and brings us together as one.

IV. Obedience to the Knowledge and Experience

This is the most difficult to relate, but I know it is there.  I think I had it that morning so many days ago, but lost it.  I will have to come back to this one at some point.

V. Obedience to equality

When we are in Latex, we are the same.  The Latex helps us to let go of our own personal egos and become part of the collective.  But at the same time it does not entirely strip us of our identity and uniqueness.  Under the surface, we are still there.

VI. Obedience to the spoken word

Because the Latex conceals and constrains, we much speak with thoughtfulness and intention.  We cannot be haphazard in our communication.

VII. Obedience to kindness

Latex, while binding and constraining is also yielding and gentle.  It is not like Metal, which is hard, rigid and cold.  It is not Leather, which can be flexible but still strict and unforgiving in its boundaries.  It is not Cloth or Silk, which is easy penetrated and provides little structure of framework.  Latex gives in those areas where the wearer need it to give the most, and holds firm those areas the wearer needs the most structure.  In many ways, it is the ultimate kindness.

VIII. Obedience to helpfulness

Latex is helpful.  Its usefulness extends to so many areas.

These are some of the thoughts I’ve had about how the Observances relate to Latex.  I am sure there is much more.  And as I mentioned, there are some areas which need to be reflected on at much greater length.  But this is simply the beginning of that journey.